Jump into my yacht set off for the open sea,
I'm going to ride this old boat straight to Italy,
I have a quick think, I don't have a clue how to sail,
But now I'm in the ocean, my trip’s doomed fail,
I throw up a teabag, try and judge the wind,
But the sail it rips, oh what trouble I'm in,
I throw up my hands and exclaim oh well,
I'm a white middle class man, I'll just ride the swell.
I’ve always got a tailwind with this much privilege,
I’ll just sit on my arse and play some cribbage,
Yeah I’ve been wondering when I’ll know,
Just what is going on and where the fuck to go,
I hope I wake up and it’s all been a dream,
Just some inventive nightmare sent by a moonbeam
I'm awoken by a crunch, I've hit a rock,
Head on up to the deck in nothing but my socks,
I wonder where I've got after months of floating,
I'm sure I've gone miles with all this boating,
Somehow I’m in the bit of Switzerland near France,
I can tell by all the baguettes and Christine and the Queens fans.
I say 'hang on a minute I thought Switzerland was landlocked?'
What the fuck's going on? Has my sanity been docked?
Yeah I’ve been wondering when I’ll know,
Just what is going on and where the fuck to go,
I hope I wake up and it’s all been a dream,
Just some inventive nightmare sent by a moonbeam
I head on down to the bakery and order a croissant,
I mean when in Rome or when near Frooonce.
I say something offensive, I didn't mean to I'm honest,
I was just trying to order some baked goods I promise,
But I'm being chased now and I've lost a shoe,
I'm running really awkwardly like I need the loo,
The baker takes aim hurls a baguette like a javelin,
It's pretty clear now I've chosen a poor place to travel in
I fling a Toblerone back, watch it sail through the air,
And now he's been stopped with a questionnaire,
The baker's down and I'm free again,
But there's no way in hell that this is the end
Yeah I’ve been wondering when I’ll know,
Just what is going on and where the fuck to go,
I hope I wake up and it’s all been a dream,
Just some inventive nightmare sent by a moonbeam
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